Uncategorized

Where Stuff’s At …

Wow, I love the memory of being such an active blogger.

Unfortunately my health has continued to decline and writing has become very difficult for me. I’m learning the speak to text strategy but it’s not the same. I seem to think while I’m typing, so trying to think while speaking feels much more like being put on the spot.

Anyway, I’ve also been extremely unwell over the warmer months, with my health just seeming to get worse and worse. So I just haven’t had the energy to write OR speak a post during this difficult time.

I hate to sound soppy and self-pitying, but I’m not sure this post can come across as anything but?

I really got a bit sad that I wasn’t getting any of my thoughts out there or discussing things with the interesting people I know follow this blog. And I wanted to firstly, start my blogging back up again, and secondly, fill you all in with where I’m at.

So … let the soppy begin …

As I said above, my health has deteriorated. But to be clear, it has deteriorated intensely.

I now have paramedics out every few days, sometimes every second day. I do this when I am extremely syncopal (passing out) and need IV fluids to fill my blood volume again, to prevent the syncopes.

I’ve also had a lot of hospital trips when the paramedics couldn’t stabilise me at home.

And there’s been the occasional admission to hospital for migraines and severe pressure headaches that are un manageable with my medications and also go on for several days.

At the same time, we’ve had a billion other things we’ve been trying to tend to.

One of the things we’ve done that has proven pretty fruitful, is to keep researching the conditions I have. We realised that one of the conditions I have, that has to do with mast cells, is linked, or mirrors (if that makes more sense) someone who is allergic to a huge amount of stuff and whose allergic threshold lowers to the point that they begin having allergic reactions to things they have never reacted to before. So this particular allergic threshold spirals further and further down, creating more and more restrictions in foods, household items like soaps etc., medicines or medical equipment (like the tape they use on cannulas etc.) and environmental factors such as pollens, chemicals, grasses, trees, weeds — all of which I am surrounded by.

From the outside, it basically looks like my body is shutting down on itself.

No. Not a very nice thing for the witnesses to watch or me to be experiencing.

But at least we figured out, through a variety of methods, that a better climate, where the environmental allergens are much less impactful on my body, is what I need — quite urgently.

Every doctor that we speak to urges us to move to a high, dry and cold environment — every. single. doctor.

I have to admit, that was a bit of a shock at first, but the more we researched and talked with doctors and the more we looked back on my life and remembered the times I have been very sick while living in an environment full of things I was allergic or sensitive to, and then we moved to a better environment for me and my health improved dramatically — the more everything began to make more sense.

When you’re trying to explain it to people for the first time it’s really difficult, so hopefully I haven’t just confused the crap out of y’all. πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‚

But now that that’s done, I feel like it might be easier to just get on with blogging or vlogging without quite so much confusion around why my body is as unwell as it is.

I have had so many posts I’ve wanted to write or videos I’ve wanted to record, about things like the silver linings to being so disablingly unwell, our amazing paramedics, watching how families can bond tighter in these situations as well as all my ballet stuff … which, to be honest, isn’t very much but it’s still my favourite passion and I still want to talk about it.

I’m proud of myself for continuing my exercise regime and my ballet-physio every day (most days.) Even though I only do a tiny amount now, I am holding hope in my heart and determination in my mind, that one day I will be able to do so much more.

Boy, do I have plans, for when I get my health back.

Anyway, we have started a fundraiser for us to hopefully be able to afford to buy a caravan and then we’ll just move into the caravan, in the better environment that we know my body responds well to.

So the fundraiser is at the link: Zoe’s Fundraiser

If you feel you’re in a position to donate to our fundraiser then that’s fantastic. If you can’t donate, you can help just by sharing the fundraising page.

Alternatively you can also like our Facebook page at: www.facebook.com/helpzoegetherlifeback and share the page or posts you like.

Ok. That’s it for now, guys. If you read to the bottom, thank you. You’re a gem. If you didn’t, I just hope you read enough to understand where I’m at, because I won’t be explaining it over and over again.

Much love to you all. I hope you have a wonderful day/night/moment today.

Love,

Zoe xxx

Uncategorized

Dear Dream Seekers

Dear Dream Seekers,

You are wonderful. You are inspiration. You are life being lived.

I love seeing so many adult ballerinas emerging currently. Particularly on Instagram, it’s like watching these beautiful buds of hidden desires start opening their dare-to-dream petals and blossom into the most beautiful, soulful dancers.

Something I have noticed is that there seems to be an ever persistent pressure flowing from within many of the adult ballet students I see.

Inner pressure to be good at something we love is not a new thing. It is natural to want to progress.

And I am no stranger to that inner pressure. I felt it. I breathed it in and out, day and night. And it happily went and killed my love of ballet (for a while.)

And so I feel a little sad when I see people putting huge amounts of pressure on themselves to be better at something they love.

I mean, if you love it, then you should be doing it for love.

Let’s repeat that: If you love it, you should be doing it for love.

I know that you want progress. And I know that the ballet studio is a pretty intense place regarding your progress — indeed, it can sometimes feel like a comparison festival is happening in each class.

Everything you want is a valid desire. Improvement, enjoyment, strength, musicality, memories, flexibilities. It’s up to you what you want to aim for. It’s your life. Your choice. No-one else can, or has the right to, choose them for you.

But please be sure to think about it first. Think about you and what you really want because of how those things make YOU feel.

Don’t look at what someone else is doing and just follow along. God knows, you might wake up ten years from now able to do the splits but not able to dance in the centre. You might then shake your fists in the air and scream at yourself for following the splits trend only because it was what others were doing — and you missed getting your teacher to help you learn some amazing mini-solo piece that feels like heaven to dance.

Don’t set yourself up to one day wreak of regret.

So, with that in mind, what I do hope you do is sit with yourself a while. Ask yourself what you feel in this moment you want to do — like actually do right now — because you never know what amazing idea might have been waiting to flow through you but just hasn’t had the window opened to it before.

Then, ask yourself what you think you might regret NOT doing in twenty years time. I usually get my deepest inspirations flowing from this one.

Then lovingly think about all the things you, your body and mind, are good at doing. Really appreciate those things. If ballet is your thing, maybe you’re really musical and your body just naturally flows with the music, maybe you have lovely hand expressions, maybe you have a sparkly passion, maybe you have strong muscles, maybe you can smile during class (harder for some than others!), maybe you understand combinations, maybe you are flexible, or have lovely feet, or maybe you feel your soul fill up during ballet class.

These are all wonderful elements of what you do and of how you feel. I feel it’s important to fully embrace them. Soak yourself in the things about you and your passion, that you love.

When thinking about what goals to set yourself, or what path to set off on, I think it’s really important to take stock first, of all the wonderful parts of yourself that already exist within your passion.

I would look at what you love doing now, look at what you would regret not doing, and set your path accordingly.

If achieving the splits for ballet is part of that path then set your goals and go for it. If it’s smiling more during class, or learning a combination, or performing — then set your goals and go for them.

But be sure to start your intentional path with the full acceptance of how incredible you already are.

Be sure that you don’t discount all of your gloriousness and just focus on what you cannot yet do. If you do that you will be starting your journey with a destructive cycle of focusing on your downfalls. You should be real about yourself. But leave the negativity at the door. If negative self-worth is already an issue for you then I would suggest adding that to your goals — “Learn to love myself for all that I am.” That, and if neccesary, see a therapist, because honestly, that bullshit will become a serious obstacle to you fully realising your dreams.

So, in summary…

1) Align your goals with what YOU enjoy doing and what you feel you will regret not doing.

2) Make sure to begin your path to your goals/dreams/passions swimming in self-appreciation for all the wonder you already are.

Always remember why you’re doing it.

Always respect yourself for doing it.

Always hold your head high.

Remember,

You deserve to be in the room.

Zoe xxx

Uncategorized

Ballet-Physio Update

A few supine leg stretches. Feels great to be moving again.

Hope everyone is treating themselves fairly, cause you know, unfair treatment of yourself will likely lead you to a place you don’t want to visit.

Uncategorized

Please Don't Believe in Me

… because seriously, it would be so much easier that way.

The drums of negative self-belief could keep beating.

My heart could stay caged.

The comfort zone of all I have ever seen could remain securely in my surrounds.

I wouldn’t have to step even a toe through that grating, uncomfortable barrier that has been gripping me so tightly.

I could continue to avoid confronting what has kept me here…

…in this place of “I can’t” and “I don’t deserve”.

I can dodge the pain that comes with asking “Why?”

I could continue to feel as though all is right.

I could avoid the fight.

But ya know, I can’t do any of that, when you take my hand and walk me to the land of believing.

When you gently and magically clear the dust and show me what could be.

When you matter-of-factly show me what I could do. How I could feel. What Ideserve.

When you tell me you think I can.

These notions fill my mind with crazy ideas of…

Hope.

Belief.

Pride.

OMG. Wait, what? “Pride?”

That is the strangest damn sensation I’ve ever experienced.

How about..

Confidence?

Strength?

Capability?

I have only started feeling these things since starting ballet. And more intensely since going to Studio Tibor and getting such amazing ballet /therapy from Tibor and Vadym.

My first class at QLD Ballet moved things around in me also — and I’m not talking about pie!

(Because despite being an activity that requires much correction, it is somehow a nurturing expansive experience in which you cannot help but progress in some way.)

And now, as I stare down the barrel of more and more ballet, with more and more confronting of internal beliefs, this crap just gets louder and louder.

I know I have to move through them all. And I will. And it will be a sublime day when I reach the other side.

I want to thank my teachers for being such a huge inspiration.

And I want all you wonderful amazing adult dancers out there to know that I am so intensely inspired by each of you. Whether you relate to my self-belief journey or not, doesn’t matter to me.

I read your stories and hear your journeys and they fill me up with such admiration. You give me a sense of tangible possibility.

“If they can, I can!”

I can live my belief vicariously through you all. And I do. πŸ˜‰

But for now, I was thinking, maybe we could substitute “I believe in you” with something else, you know, like so as to avoid direct contact with the big “B”? Maybe something like…

“Those apples are lovely.” Or…

“The weather’s looking good.” Or…

“Your arse looks great in those jeans.”

I was thinking, you know, if I throw a nice developpe or pirouette, I could handle a little “Those apples are lovely” waaaaaaaay easier than a direct compliment on my dancing.

Yeah! Let’s do that!

If someone says any of the above to me I’m just going to go ‘Oh, cool!’

No freak out. No need to run to the nearest corner and take to the fetal position.

I wanted to share thisΒ with others now because of the vague possibility that it might help someone else. I don’t want others to feel they are alone in feeling self-doubt or that you will never get to where want to be.

You are not alone. We can move forward together.

You will be awesome!

But for now — please don’t tell me you believe in me.

Just tell me the weather’s looking good. πŸ˜‰

P.S — Your arse looks great in those jeans.

2*Disclaimer: This post was an emotional overflow. Probably no harm will come to those who use the “B” word. πŸ˜‰

Bush xxx

Uncategorized

Embracing Desperate.

Dear Readers,

I have a real-life, fully-experiencing-this-myself, amazegasmic realisation I have to share.

If you have enough determination, your tough journey, your shitty situation, your crazy no good fucked up current position, could become the keys to your greatest transformations.

Because determination will lead to innovation and innovation will lead to beautiful, glorious transformations.

No matter how big or small. Productive changes are all awesome.

My innovative moment of awareness…

I am working on getting back into the Sydney studio soon, but for now, if I can’t get this Bush Ballerina to Studio Tibor, then I’m going to bring Studio Tibor to the Bush Ballerina!

We’re upgrading the studio with the use of a stereo system that we had lying around and my laptop. So that now I will be able to see and hear my recorded private classes as though I were in the studio.

I will be able to do the exercises to the same music/timing and hear the corrections. Awesomeness abounds in this. It really does.

Might be a little bit strange to hear the teacher’s voice as though he were in the room with me, or it might just be a little bit wonderful.

Innovation. I love it. It’s coming from a desperate place. And transforming into a magical place.

Desperation –> innovation –> transformation.

How gobsmackingly cool is that! So amazing to see it happen in front of me.

So embrace desperate. Let yourself feel the pain of it. Then let it fuel yourself to get creative about how you might change it. Become determined. Open your mind and your heart. You’re fully equipped to get creative and innovative. Let it happen.

So I’m gonna be in my “studio” but I’m gonna feel like I’m in this studio…

2015/01/img_9389.jpg

2015/01/img_9390.jpg

Not bad. Not bad at all.

xxx Bush

Uncategorized

The 2014 Wrap — A Pretty Amazing Year, Really!

2014, what a hurricane of a year! Feels like I have swirled from pillar to post in one of the most tumultuous years of my life.

I remember feeling, on several occasions, that I wouldn’t be able to continue ballet. Either for health reasons or just because of my isolation.

But I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere. And I have gained some clarity around my ballet journey and health issues that I know will help me continue to follow my heart.

After all, following my heart is what this whole journey has been about. Following my heart is the thing that interests me the most. It’s such a mind-blowingly powerful thing when you feel it.

I remember on one of my trips to Studio Tibor in Sydney this year, I had a moment where I looked around and felt my heart radiating with joy. And I thought about how I had followed my heart here, to this moment, and how perfectly alive, in-sync, and at home I felt.

It staggered me to think that my heart knew exactly what I wanted, before my mind or body did — and they were just catching up.

In preparation for this 2014 wrap post I have collected photos from my year, and I have to say, it has been a most uplifting experience.

This year was really scary sometimes. Like REALLY scary. And those scary times kind of linger in the background and can make it difficult to move on.

But move on we must.

And moving on I am.

So, let’s have a little looksee back at 2014 (or at least some of it) …

The first thing I did in 2014, like within the first week of 2014, was to meet Tibor Horvath in person for the first time — AND have my first lesson from him.

It was a private lesson in his big beautiful studio, chandeliers and all. It was incredible!

IMG_5182

It was a great start to the year.

There’s a line in the movie Annie about it being a bitter sweet thing to get a taste of something you can’t get any more of. And I felt exactly that bitter sweetness after that first lesson.

As we hit the road for home, I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest more and more as every kilometer passed. I had now had a taste of Studio Tibor life — and I didn’t want to leave it.

As we drove, I cried silently, and nursed my aching heart with the promise that I would return to that glorious studio again.

And I did. πŸ™‚

The following month I jumped on a plane…

10606400_298561543664504_8093395724387988105_n

… and flew to Sydney for a class and a private with Tibor. It was glorious again.

A few months of health issues made my ballet journey a bit up and down.

Then in August I flew back down again. This time I had a private with Tibor and took my first class with Vadym. I loved, loved, loved that day! Amazing!

10613034_289293094591349_8669965332334805771_nAnd I was determined enough to get my derriere back down again in September. I did the same private with Tibor and class with Vadym. This combination was proving to be absolutely amazing for me and my ballet. It’s the most heavenly combo ever! πŸ™‚

The beautiful Tibor. Ballet, in every manifest, flows through this guy’s veins. He walks into the room and you go, “Oh, ballet just arrived.”

10349220_299479916906000_7126070493891416610_n

The beautiful Tricia. This lady is one of my adult ballet inspirations. She’s so beautiful to watch that sometimes when we’re in a class together I want to stop what I’m doing and just watch her dance. She has the attitude that Tibor wants me to have. And I can see why.

10600595_299479806906011_999806211632051524_n

Snapshot 1 (28-12-2014 11-25 AM)

Snapshot 2 (28-12-2014 11-29 AM)

I was weaker during this trip. I wasn’t fully aware at the time, but in hindsight we know that my body was going down a little, and it affected my physical ability during this session and Vadym’s class afterwards. I was shakier, and my leg muscles were just collapsing.

BUT it was still a beautiful day. One of the best actually. Funny how that happens.

I got meself my first pair of point shoes!

10574241_286856138168378_505265006533821449_n

And then I got my second pair…

zoe

I kicked up my toes with some celebratory ballet at the river…

10685592_299268130260512_3872335899897530088_nFell in love with these…

10461394_309776152543043_5586458889195674395_n

Built a mini studio in the bedroom.

10582908_290907001096625_1856167903982345741_o

Made up some new moves…

10511087_284179858436006_6068577091199182157_n

Started getting my strength back…

10177235_305085813012077_6020605615604558586_n

And became Giselle…

150101_313137232206935_4904494829248031874_n

Wowsers! Turns out I did a whole bunch of awesome stuff this year! I really made stuff happen.

I achieved things I never would have thought possible before.

I challenged my self-beliefs.

I followed my heart, in spite of the fear.

And I felt the magic moment of arrival.Β The moment you arrive at your heart’s destination. Bathing in it. Soaking it up.

Following my heart was my favourite part of this year. I really just went for it.

This coming 2015 I hope to continue going for it, but I will be aiming for more consistency.

I will be following my heart, but remaining aware of what my body and mind need in order to keep following my heart.

2015 will be full of heart-following, loving, dancing, Studio Tibor, QLD Ballet, my beautiful little family, travelling, writing, dreaming, studio building, laughing with friends and body maintenance.

I wish everyone a wonderful end to 2014 and happy, glowing dreams of contentment and good moments for 2015.

Thanks for being part of my 2014 ride!

Bush xxx

Uncategorized

Second Trip to Studio Tibor — Part 2

So, back to my Sydney trip…

After the beginner class I watched a pointe class, which was mesmerising. It looked both beautiful and like a LOT of bloody hard work. Pointe shoes look lovely on and all, but oh my golly, don’t know that I’ll ever be wearing them. I find it hard to imagine that my feet will ever be strong enough for that.

By this point I had recovered from the beginner class and I felt like I could have danced around with the pointe class. Not en pointe! Just doing the same things but on flat and demi. But I was really surprised by this, that I felt I could go again! Awesome!

After the pointe class, I joined Tricia, Kim, and another lovely lady (who’s name I have forgotten (sorry)) for lunch at a lovely cafe across the road.

And before I knew it it was time for my private.

The private was great. We worked on my weakest areas, core strength, centre work and confidence.

Yes, Tibor brought up my low self-confidence again. This seems to be a huge barrier, and one that I HAVE to get over or else I will not be able to progress as far as is possible.

I’m really very stuck on that one. I can feel it, tangibly. It feels like being locked in chains. And I’m terrified of what might happen if the chains come off.

Despite being stuck, I am determined to overcome it.

So I have heaps of work cut out for me with just that. Just letting go, cutting the chains, pushing down the barrier. Because I know what I want and I can’t let this stupid stuff get in the way. I know I have already started working on this but I need a huge shift now.

On a practical note, we did a lot of fondus, some centre work and we talked through everything that you should do at the barre, before heading to centre work. I would love it if I could remember more of what we talked about with the barre exercises.

I am totally jealous of anyone who gets to go to classes regularly. I would get heaps more from these classes if I could go each week. Then you are relearning the same exercises each week, which enables you to make more progress. But that’s enough whining. I really can’t complain as I feel incredibly blessed to be able to take classes at all.

Can’t wait to get to more and more lessons down there. Which brings me to my plan for the future: I have decided that I need to change the way I take lessons. While I absolutely loved this last experience, I think I need to have a longer private lesson and if I have a class while I am there it needs to after the private — if I can still stand! Otherwise, if I do the class first, my head is kind of full of trying to remember what I learnt there and I’m a bit of a funnel-brain in the private afterwards. But the private is the one I get most progress out of.

I will also try to change the flight times so that I leave later and get back earlier. Current flight times, leaving from my closest airport, mean I have to wake up at 4am and leave at 4.30am, which isn’t great if I can’t fall asleep until 1am the night before (which is normal for me). And then if the flight back is late, you are looking at a seriously long day. The only thing I really hate about this is that I was so tired from the non-ballet related stuff like flight times etc. that I was too tired to even write notes on the way back. And I HATE not writing my notes.

I will also be eagerly picking up the pace on the studio build. Desperately need space to practise moving around the floor in. I have a feeling that this will play a vital role in me breaking through that confidence barrier.

Regarding the rest of the trip, my body was sore and tired for a few days after, but most of the tiredness came from the majorly delayed flight, which didn’t end up leaving until about 10.30pm … PM!!! Was supposed to leave at 6.45pm. So we didn’t get home until 2am. That meant it was a 22 hr day. Yikes!

My sore muscles, on the other hand, can only be claimed by the ballet itself. Tibor sees my true ability far more easily than I do, actually, his ability to see how far someone can go seems almost magical to me. He takes you right to your full potential, but not a millimetre further. This means he makes me use my full proper turnout, which is a lot more than we have ever seen in photos (or I have ever seen), and the full extension of my feet, which is more bendy than I could ever see myself doing. So yep, sore sore sore. But it’s okay. It’s a good sore. I’m heaps better today, actually walking like normal now, and today I pointed my foot — as you will see in the pic below. This was a great moment! LOL

That wraps up my second trip to Studio Tibor. Again, they are an amazing bunch of people, training absolutely stunning dancers. And they are all inspired by their wonderful artistic director, Tibor.

I encourage anyone in Sydney who might like to try ballet, to go to this studio. Such a joy.

Looking so forward to locking in my next date! Keep an eye on that calendar again!

I can point my foot again!!! Yay!!!…

20140223-191901.jpg

BB